JamSmooth.com

Some wise friends told me, “Look for someone who has what you want and then partner with them.” That is a good suggestion. While I’m thankful for great advice, perceptions and suggestions from my single friends I have to ask, “If you’re not in a successful marriage then how do you know what truly works?”

It’s like asking someone in debt to help you manage your money. It’s like asking someone who is out of shape to be your personal trainer. It’s like asking a PC person to help you with your Mac, or vice versa. Ask someone who has what you want.

I talked to 3 happily married friends yesterday and got some remarkable suggestions and perceptions on dating. I want what they have. That is a happy, committed, healthy marriage.

While I will still go to my single friends for counsel, I’ve found that talking to happily married folks has more depth and wisdom. What do you think? Where is the best place to get advice?

Organic dating is dating the old fashioned way. There are no dating web sites, no speed dating parties, no matchmaker lunches or iPhone apps. Organic dating is meeting someone in real life, through friends, a social network, volunteering or even through work.

The last 2 women I’ve dated I met organically. I’m pleased with the results. While I may not have a date lined up as frequently as I would with outside help, the quality is much much higher.

There was already a connection established through meeting organically. First we knew exactly what the other person looked like. There were no photos from 5 years ago posted on a site. There was no, as my friend Tim calls it, magic Internet photographer that makes you look a whole lot better than you truly do. We also got to see each other’s personalities in real life. Those 2 reasons alone or why organic dating is what I’m doing from now on.

Organic dating takes confidence. Being the man, I have to step up and put myself out there in real life. There is no wall of technology where I can hide. I have to face rejection. However the benefit and experience far outweigh that risk.

The dates I’ve had through organic dating have been some of the most pleasant I’ve ever had. Sure it may take longer to meet someone. I’ll take quality over quantity any day, especially in dating.

Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this finds you doing well.

As many of you know, I have attended Buckhead Church for nearly 4 years. I am writing to let you know I will be going on a short-term mission trip with my church to Cambodia this spring, April 29th through May 8th. Our church has partnered with the New Life Church in Phnom Penh. I have been so blessed and this is a way for me to give back. I feel the call to return to Cambodia this year and I am thrilled to be going back.

This year our team will be constructing a classroom for New Life Orphanage in Phnom Penh. Last year in Batdambang, Cambodia we built walkways for the orphans there. Here are some photos from that trip: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamsmooth/sets/72157617640000670/

The reason for my letter is to create a support team who is willing to pray for our team, give towards this project, or both. We need wisdom as we travel to another culture and seek to meet their needs. Financially I need to raise $3,200 to cover the cost of expenses and airfare. I will be contributing at least $500 to this trip.

I will need all funds by April 9, 2010. Checks should be made out to Northpoint Ministries with Cambodia Construction – Phnom Penh – April 29 – May 8 in the memo line. Please write me at jam@jamsmooth.com if you would like to mail a check. All donations for this project are tax deductible. Also for tax purposes, please do not write my name on the check.

You may also donate securely online at https://ssl.northpoint.org/ssl/globalx/. Choose “Cambodia – Phnom Penh” from the country list and choose “Cambodia – Phnom Penh Construction – 4/29/10 – 05/08/10″ If you donate online then please type my name in the individual field. No amount is too small.

As I did last year, I will share each day of our trip through Facebook, Twitter and my blogs so that you may follow the journey.

Thank you for partnering with me in this amazing journey. If you have any questions please contact me.

James N. Staubes, Jr.

Last night my Toastmasters club had our first club contest in over two years. 3 judges from other clubs in the city, 2 of which were Area Governors, were on hand to vote in the competition.

The first part of the competition was Table Topics. In Table Topics you are presented with an unprepared topic and then you speak for at least 1 minute minimum to 2 minutes, 30 seconds at most. I was one of the three competitors for Table Topics and I went first. The question was, “If you created a new holiday, what would it be and how would you celebrate it.” With Table Topics you cannot hesitate. You must go with the first thing that comes to your mind and sink or swim. My first idea was a Parent’s Appreciation Day. I talked about how we need to show our parents our appreciation for all the sacrifices they made, all the time, the food, the clothes they provided for us, and investments they made in us. I said we should thank our parents for consummating their relationship or else we would not be here. I was up against some tough competition in Toastmaster Ramsey and Toastmaster Smith.

Toastmaster Ramsey was just accepted to Cornell for his MBA. He also received a full scholarship to Cornell. What I love about our club is that high caliber folks such as Toastmaster Ramsey are active in our club and available and willing to help. A few weeks ago Ramsey asked me to help him prepare for his interview at Cornell. I asked him questions and then gave him feedback on his performance. Then he helped me on WorkingInMusic.com. His help was invaluable since he has worked for companies like AOL and Eyewonder.com. But I digress…

The next part of the contest was the International Speech. This is a 5 to 7 minute speech having a clear objective. I gave my speech titled, “Do It Now.” It was my third time giving the speech and I finally trimmed the speech to its essence. I did my best but I was no match for Toastmaster Ramsey.

Toastmaster Ramsey gave his speech titled, “Be The Verb.” He opened with a good joke quoting a famous Chinese philosopher, Bruce Lee. Guaranteed laugh. Ramsey’s point is that you have to be what you want to become. You have to do. He said it’s not 10,000 hours that makes you an expert but 10,000 verbs. He was on fire. He later told me a Will Smith video I sent him inspired him!

After we spoke the head judge and the ballot counters went into another room to tally the votes. While they did that Toastmaster Ramsey and I were interviewed by the contest master, Toastmaster Boring. I got a chance to plug WorkingInMusic.com thanks to Toastmaster Boring asking me about it.

Finally the head judge came back revealing the results and I came in last place in everything. I had hoped I’d at least come in 2nd on the Table Topics, but no. I’m still extremely pleased that I entered the club competition. I’m a better speaker for having stepped up. The feedback I got from the Area Governors was positive and encouraging. I’m only on my 4th speech in the Competent Communication Manual so I have a long way to go. I’m looking forward to writing and giving more speeches.

You know that I started a new project this year, WorkingInMusic.com. From now on all music related posts will be there. Please add that site to your reader.

Here on JamSmooth.com I plan to continue focusing on dating, relationships and other JamSmooth adventures, but also exercise. In 2005 after the distribution company I worked for relocated, I decided to become a personal trainer. I got certified by the American Council on Exercise. I trained over 50 clients of all ages that year. It was a very rewarding job.

Fitness, health, nutrition and exercise are some of my greatest passions in life. So I am going to share that passion and enthusiasm for you. Who knows, maybe we can create a community who gets fit together, sharing our victories and encouraging each other? I think so.

My views on online dating are well documented. I think online dating is like gambling or playing the lottery. You are paying money for the chance to win a big a payout. Unfortunately for me the odds have not been in my favor. I am not saying it does not work. It does. My brother met his fiancé online.

When online dating works it works great, revealing opportunities to meet people you would never meet otherwise. That is also online dating’s biggest flaw.

When writing a profile, an immense challenge exists writing about yourself in a way that is funny, personable and original. Ultimately you are being judged on your looks. How else do you make a decision when everyone writes the same thing?

I know there are no guarantees with online dating and that’s my biggest gripe. If I’m paying you money for something I want a result. These sites only give access to meeting someone, they cannot guarantee it. I understand that.

Guess I did get something out of all my online dating, a novel. I have also made new friendships from online dating. In 2009 I met BG who has become a great friend to me. In 2006 I met AS who has proven to be an amazing friend. It hasn’t been a total disaster.

This last period of online dating will be my last. From here on out I’m focusing on meeting someone IRL.

What do you think about online dating? Has it worked for you? Have you ever tried? Why or why not? Do you think it’s easier or harder to meet someone IRL?

No one wants to be told no. No one. Some of the worst pain I felt in life, and I imagine most men would echo, resulted from a woman telling me no. Rejection has a proportion to it. The longer the relationship, the deeper the pain of that rejection.

There are many ways to deal with rejection. You can give into the negativity of rejection and be angry, hateful and vindictive. Or you can move on and rest in the assurance that you are better off. Honestly my dating life has been a mixture of both. I think that is normal.

No is the answer I’ve gotten far more than a yes. The challenge is keeping a positive attitude towards dating and women in the midst of so much rejection.

Do you know the legendary story of Colonel Sanders? The story says that when selling his KFC franchise, Sanders heard 1,009 “no’s” before he heard his first “yes.” That is the kind of story that keeps me going.

Now my philosophy is with each no, I get closer and closer to finding my partner, my wife.

How do you handle rejection? How do you keep a positive attitude after hearing no so many times? What gives you hope and confidence after being told no?

I don’t think women understand the penetrating and paralyzing fear men feel when we take that risk and ask a woman on a date. We’ll jump out of airplanes, drive cars at 200 mph, shoot guns, climb mountains and ride motorcycles but approaching a woman we have the hots for proves immensely challenging.

One theory I read states that this fear goes back to our tribal days. If a man was interested in a woman he had to prove himself by being a hunter or a leader of the tribe. Still if he was interested in a woman and she rejected him, he’d humiliated and the whole tribe would know and cast him out. Now that is not the case. You can ask out a woman out and if she says no, most folks won’t know and even more won’t care.

For a long time I’ve thought about the best way to approach a woman I don’t know, a stranger. There are so many opinions and philosophies on this. I believe in the direct approach. Right away I let a woman know I am interested in her and that I’d like to get to know her better. Some say that is too much. They argue you should let it evolve. I don’t agree with that because time is short and I don’t like to play games. I like to let a woman know where I stand.

Here is an approach I’ve developed for approaching a woman in public. It goes like this:
Me: Hey I don’t have a lot of time right now. But I’d like to get to know you better. You seem like the type of woman I’d like. Is there a way I can contact you later to set up a date?

In a few short seconds I convey my interest and what I want. Then it’s up to her to respond. Granted I haven’t used this many times. However I’m going to start.

What do you think? Ladies how do you like to be approached? Guys, how do you like to approach women?

You don’t have to spend a lot of money to date. I’ve proven that. Besides it’s so unoriginal to go to dinner. What if you ask someone to dinner and then they’re complete bores? You’re stuck for an hour. Meeting for coffee or drinks is always a better idea at first. However good first dates is another post.

Who should pay? I believe that whoever asked the person to the date should pay, doesn’t matter if it’s the man or the woman. If you asked, you pay. There is another guideline I use as well which voids that rule. Even if the the woman asks you, as the man, you pay. My guideline is that I pay for the first 10 dates. True most folks rarely even get to 10 dates. If you get to 10 dates then you’re talking 2.5 months (at one date a week) of seeing the same person. Obviously something is there.

After 10 dates I think the costs of dating can and should be split. What is wrong with the woman picking up the tab? Should the man always be expected to pay? One time a date told me, “My dad always pays when we go out so I expect my dates to.” I’m not your dad. I’m a guy who wants to get to know you.

What do you think? What’s a good guideline for picking up the tab on dates?

I just crossed the 50,000 word threshold for National Novel Writing Month. Amazing, challenging, mind-altering, eye-opening all describe this experience. I’m so glad I took on this challenge.

The story is not finished yet. I have the ending and I know where it’s going. I’ll finish it up this week. After that I’m going to take a break from the story. Then in January I plan to come back, edit, rewrite and maybe publish it myself? We’ll see.

I still see this story as a film and my dream would be to see this on screen. After all it has a soundtrack.

Thanks to all of those supported me and those who didn’t. I used it all. If I can do this, anyone can do it. Give it a shot next year.