JamSmooth.com

Some wise friends told me, “Look for someone who has what you want and then partner with them.” That is a good suggestion. While I’m thankful for great advice, perceptions and suggestions from my single friends I have to ask, “If you’re not in a successful marriage then how do you know what truly works?”

It’s like asking someone in debt to help you manage your money. It’s like asking someone who is out of shape to be your personal trainer. It’s like asking a PC person to help you with your Mac, or vice versa. Ask someone who has what you want.

I talked to 3 happily married friends yesterday and got some remarkable suggestions and perceptions on dating. I want what they have. That is a happy, committed, healthy marriage.

While I will still go to my single friends for counsel, I’ve found that talking to happily married folks has more depth and wisdom. What do you think? Where is the best place to get advice?

Organic dating is dating the old fashioned way. There are no dating web sites, no speed dating parties, no matchmaker lunches or iPhone apps. Organic dating is meeting someone in real life, through friends, a social network, volunteering or even through work.

The last 2 women I’ve dated I met organically. I’m pleased with the results. While I may not have a date lined up as frequently as I would with outside help, the quality is much much higher.

There was already a connection established through meeting organically. First we knew exactly what the other person looked like. There were no photos from 5 years ago posted on a site. There was no, as my friend Tim calls it, magic Internet photographer that makes you look a whole lot better than you truly do. We also got to see each other’s personalities in real life. Those 2 reasons alone or why organic dating is what I’m doing from now on.

Organic dating takes confidence. Being the man, I have to step up and put myself out there in real life. There is no wall of technology where I can hide. I have to face rejection. However the benefit and experience far outweigh that risk.

The dates I’ve had through organic dating have been some of the most pleasant I’ve ever had. Sure it may take longer to meet someone. I’ll take quality over quantity any day, especially in dating.

Remember that Mick Jagger song, “Lucky At Love?” (No one will fault if you don’t. It’s not good.) I could have my own version called, “Unlucky At Love.” I’m kidding. I had written another post detailing a recent dating experience. However my judgment says to not post that for public consumption.

What I will post is more positive anyway. I got dumped. Yeh it was only 2 dates. Still, there was a definite, real and honest connection between us. I had high hopes. It had been a very long time since I connected with someone like that.

For all you out there who are beaten down by dating and rejection, get back up. Brush yourself off. Be proud of who you are. Be proud of what you believe. Visualize the life you want. Make a plan. Pray. 2010 is just starting and it will be exceptional! I am thrilled to see what’s next.

I got called out in the comments of my post yesterday. I have no idea who this person is but he/she made a good point. They called me out for phoning it in, even comparing what I wrote to something you’d see on msn.com. Point made.

From my experience here are more details about what not to do on first dates.

1. Surgery/Health. I’m on this first date with a rather attractive woman. The first thing she talks about is how a recent surgery damaged the nerves in part of her mouth. It was not a big deal to me but she kept talking about it. Honestly I would not have even noticed her mouth had she not mentioned it. Then she did something that another date called me out on a few months prior. She never asked about me.

2. Talking only about yourself. Not that I expected her to interview me, but she did not ask me much at all about me. I had a date a few months earlier with a great woman. We had a fun first date, I thought, and so I called to ask her out again. She said she was surprised because all I did on the date was talk about myself. I did not ask her anything about her and what was going on in her life. Her Akido style of calling me out impressed me. From that moment on I made sure I asked lots of questions of my dates. I never intended the date to be all about me but that was her impression and that is not what I wanted. I truly wanted to get to know her.

We do not live the same day over and over again. We learn as we go. We do not get to know that our date hates white chocolate or nuts. Stay focused on your date. Get to know them and ask a lot of open-ended, probing questions.

When getting to know someone, certain topics should be avoided. Here are a few.

1. Health. One time a date went into a lengthy story about a recent surgery. Sure I was concerned but I did not know this woman. I felt a bit awkward. Save the surgery and health issues for later, if the relationship gets to that point.

2. Exes. Never. Ever bring up your exes. Just don’t do it.

3. Sports stats (for guys). Unless she’s one of those sideline reporters for ESPN I’d avoid discussing Peyton Manning’s QB rating.

4. Talking only about yourself. As long as there is give and take, a real dialogue, then it’s fine to talk about yourself. However if your jaw is tired because you’ve dominated the conversation for the last 2 hours, shut up!

5. Bathroom Humor. Keep it classy.

What are some subjects that should stay off limits in those first dates? Tell me a time of when a guy or girl brought up something he or she shouldn’t have.

Starting off this series about who pays for dates proved interesting. I am not a millionaire, yet. If a woman was only into me for my money then that relationship would be fake. If the money disappeared then so would she.

So for the money-conscious, what are some good, inexpensive dates?

Dave Ramsey had a few. Here are 20 ideas from About.com. Even AskMen.com had has 10 cheap date ideas.

For first dates I like the coffee or meet for a drink date. It’s inexpensive and allows for a quick getaway if your date is a total bore. When the relationship gets further along I love to cook. Then you can show off your culinary skills.

What about you JamSmooth readers? Surely you have some great date ideas you can share. I know you’re out there, all over the world. Let’s hear what you’ve got.

This practice of dating goes back to Colonial times. I sit here this morning and wonder, “Is there a better way to get to know someone?” I want to smash this idea of dating that we have. With what? I don’t know. I would like your help.

Dating is a 300 year old concept. Does that concept of dating fit in the 21st Century? The days of the dowry are extinct. Some traditions remain, such as asking the father for his daughter’s hand. Those are good and respectful, but those aren’t a part of dating but marriage.

Sometimes dating is no more than a “job interview” over dinner or drinks. Questions like, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years,” may appear. Or even, “What’s your weaknesses,” or “Tell me a time of when you exhibited leadership.” Is modern dating nothing more than an interview for the position of husband or wife?

Is it time for this 300 year old model of dating to be smashed? Is there another way to get to know someone?

My views on online dating are well documented. I think online dating is like gambling or playing the lottery. You are paying money for the chance to win a big a payout. Unfortunately for me the odds have not been in my favor. I am not saying it does not work. It does. My brother met his fiancé online.

When online dating works it works great, revealing opportunities to meet people you would never meet otherwise. That is also online dating’s biggest flaw.

When writing a profile, an immense challenge exists writing about yourself in a way that is funny, personable and original. Ultimately you are being judged on your looks. How else do you make a decision when everyone writes the same thing?

I know there are no guarantees with online dating and that’s my biggest gripe. If I’m paying you money for something I want a result. These sites only give access to meeting someone, they cannot guarantee it. I understand that.

Guess I did get something out of all my online dating, a novel. I have also made new friendships from online dating. In 2009 I met BG who has become a great friend to me. In 2006 I met AS who has proven to be an amazing friend. It hasn’t been a total disaster.

This last period of online dating will be my last. From here on out I’m focusing on meeting someone IRL.

What do you think about online dating? Has it worked for you? Have you ever tried? Why or why not? Do you think it’s easier or harder to meet someone IRL?

No one wants to be told no. No one. Some of the worst pain I felt in life, and I imagine most men would echo, resulted from a woman telling me no. Rejection has a proportion to it. The longer the relationship, the deeper the pain of that rejection.

There are many ways to deal with rejection. You can give into the negativity of rejection and be angry, hateful and vindictive. Or you can move on and rest in the assurance that you are better off. Honestly my dating life has been a mixture of both. I think that is normal.

No is the answer I’ve gotten far more than a yes. The challenge is keeping a positive attitude towards dating and women in the midst of so much rejection.

Do you know the legendary story of Colonel Sanders? The story says that when selling his KFC franchise, Sanders heard 1,009 “no’s” before he heard his first “yes.” That is the kind of story that keeps me going.

Now my philosophy is with each no, I get closer and closer to finding my partner, my wife.

How do you handle rejection? How do you keep a positive attitude after hearing no so many times? What gives you hope and confidence after being told no?

I don’t think women understand the penetrating and paralyzing fear men feel when we take that risk and ask a woman on a date. We’ll jump out of airplanes, drive cars at 200 mph, shoot guns, climb mountains and ride motorcycles but approaching a woman we have the hots for proves immensely challenging.

One theory I read states that this fear goes back to our tribal days. If a man was interested in a woman he had to prove himself by being a hunter or a leader of the tribe. Still if he was interested in a woman and she rejected him, he’d humiliated and the whole tribe would know and cast him out. Now that is not the case. You can ask out a woman out and if she says no, most folks won’t know and even more won’t care.

For a long time I’ve thought about the best way to approach a woman I don’t know, a stranger. There are so many opinions and philosophies on this. I believe in the direct approach. Right away I let a woman know I am interested in her and that I’d like to get to know her better. Some say that is too much. They argue you should let it evolve. I don’t agree with that because time is short and I don’t like to play games. I like to let a woman know where I stand.

Here is an approach I’ve developed for approaching a woman in public. It goes like this:
Me: Hey I don’t have a lot of time right now. But I’d like to get to know you better. You seem like the type of woman I’d like. Is there a way I can contact you later to set up a date?

In a few short seconds I convey my interest and what I want. Then it’s up to her to respond. Granted I haven’t used this many times. However I’m going to start.

What do you think? Ladies how do you like to be approached? Guys, how do you like to approach women?