You don’t have to spend a lot of money to date. I’ve proven that. Besides it’s so unoriginal to go to dinner. What if you ask someone to dinner and then they’re complete bores? You’re stuck for an hour. Meeting for coffee or drinks is always a better idea at first. However good first dates is another post.
Who should pay? I believe that whoever asked the person to the date should pay, doesn’t matter if it’s the man or the woman. If you asked, you pay. There is another guideline I use as well which voids that rule. Even if the the woman asks you, as the man, you pay. My guideline is that I pay for the first 10 dates. True most folks rarely even get to 10 dates. If you get to 10 dates then you’re talking 2.5 months (at one date a week) of seeing the same person. Obviously something is there.
After 10 dates I think the costs of dating can and should be split. What is wrong with the woman picking up the tab? Should the man always be expected to pay? One time a date told me, “My dad always pays when we go out so I expect my dates to.” I’m not your dad. I’m a guy who wants to get to know you.
What do you think? What’s a good guideline for picking up the tab on dates?
7 Responses to “Dating – Who Pays?”
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I always pay for the first couple of dates, but by the third I ask them to pay for the tip. Tip is not so bad, I am always driving and I think its not to much to ask. Sometimes it is a good indication if there will be another date depending on the reaction.
If you’re going out for the first time to get coffee or something that’s under $10 then I don’t mind paying.
This doesn’t mean that I’ll pay.. I like to play it out a little bit. I like to see if the girl goes for her wallet or offers to pick up the tab. The whole time I’m planning on paying, but how she acts in a situation like this tells a lot of her character.
For example, if she EXPECTS me to pay then I know from that point forward that she’s going to be the dependent type that I really have no interest in.
Joey and I always switch every other date. He pays, I pay, he pays, I pay, etc. I can’t even imagine a guy paying for ten dates. I don’t think I would even let that happen.
Ugh. First, let me say I am so thankful I am married to a fantastic man. Since I am out of the game, I can be totally honest here: the man should pay for the first several dates. Always. I think your 10 date policy is very well thought out. If the woman is into you, I bet 5-6 dates into it, she’s offering to help pay. The woman’s comment about her dad paying probably came out wrong (or maybe she was totally silly) — if you’re dating to find a husband, you should absolutely look for someone that feels like family. . .if that makes sense.
I do not have a hard and fast rule but it definitely leaves a better impression if the guy picks up the tab on the first few dates. That tends to be the general consensus with most of my friends. To me, it also indicates a generousity of spirit that I look for in a man.
I disagree with the person who commented that the woman is going to be dependent if she expects you to pay. To me, a man paying is a sign of honoring a woman and it says, “I really enjoyed having the pleasure of your company tonight.” I don’t expect a man to pay because this dating world is so topsy turvy that you can’t really expect any generally accepted pattern of behavior. However, I am definitely blessed and feel cherished when a man pays – and I would hope that is how a man would want a woman he enjoys to feel at the end of a date.
A man should always pay for dates in the beginning but like Sean said above, a woman should ALWAYS pick up the tip when being treated to dinner. No discussion necessary. It’s like when you get a dozen roses or whatever, a lady always gives the man one of the roses back immediately upon acceptance to put in his lapel or his teeth (!) or whatever. Part of accepting generosity is being equally generous in return.
10 dates is too many. Here’s why. I’d say the most number of times the guy should pay for everything at the start and he should pay at the start) is 3-5 times. Why? Because after 3-5 dates (and there is a range because a 30 minute coffee date isn’t quite the same as a 6 hour ‘Saturday in the park followed by dinner date’) if you aren’t hooking up with her, then as the book/movie title says ‘Shes just not that into you.’ Hooking up means intense making out. At least. Is it kinda like paying for sex? Sure. More like paying for the chance to have sex (or fall in love).
Here’s where it gets complicated:
1. If the woman tries to pay for more than just tip before you’ve hooked up… she is trying to buy her way out of feeling obligated to hook up. Let her pay, but don’t expect it to go anywhere. She’s a friend.
2. If it’s gone more than that 3-5 date window and there hasn’t been anything physical and you’re still paying, then she really likes eating for free and maybe just has nothing better to do.
3. And finally if you are in a physical relationship and she isn’t offering to pick up more than just the occasional tip… she wants to be taken care of and is using sex (or sexuality) to get what she wants and does really see you as her equal. And even if she’s not thinking that way, it’s impossible to NOT feel like you’re paying for sex… which isn’t good… and you need to end it.
There are always exceptions to these rules. If the guy makes $150k/yr and the girl makes $7/hr and he wants to take her to Bones, she’s clearly not paying. But on the flip side: what a d-bag for clearly trying to impress her with how rich and powerful he is. Bottom line is that most first dates shouldn’t be a financial strain on either party.