Taking a rest from the dating series today. It is Sunday.
I complain about cold weather incessantly. I hate it. Loathe it. Detest it. It is punishment to me. It is the most uncomfortable feeling. No matter how many layers I have on, I am still cold. My hands and feet become ice blocks.
Drinking lots of hot tea is one solution and space heaters help. The best solution for me is exercise. Getting to the gym, lifting weights and doing cardio raises my body temperature and keeps me warm for hours.
What about you? What do you do to stay warm? How do you combat this wretched cold?
When online dating works it works great, revealing opportunities to meet people you would never meet otherwise. That is also online dating’s biggest flaw.
When writing a profile, an immense challenge exists writing about yourself in a way that is funny, personable and original. Ultimately you are being judged on your looks. How else do you make a decision when everyone writes the same thing?
I know there are no guarantees with online dating and that’s my biggest gripe. If I’m paying you money for something I want a result. These sites only give access to meeting someone, they cannot guarantee it. I understand that.
Guess I did get something out of all my online dating, a novel. I have also made new friendships from online dating. In 2009 I met BG who has become a great friend to me. In 2006 I met AS who has proven to be an amazing friend. It hasn’t been a total disaster.
This last period of online dating will be my last. From here on out I’m focusing on meeting someone IRL.
What do you think about online dating? Has it worked for you? Have you ever tried? Why or why not? Do you think it’s easier or harder to meet someone IRL?
No one wants to be told no. No one. Some of the worst pain I felt in life, and I imagine most men would echo, resulted from a woman telling me no. Rejection has a proportion to it. The longer the relationship, the deeper the pain of that rejection.
There are many ways to deal with rejection. You can give into the negativity of rejection and be angry, hateful and vindictive. Or you can move on and rest in the assurance that you are better off. Honestly my dating life has been a mixture of both. I think that is normal.
No is the answer I’ve gotten far more than a yes. The challenge is keeping a positive attitude towards dating and women in the midst of so much rejection.
Do you know the legendary story of Colonel Sanders? The story says that when selling his KFC franchise, Sanders heard 1,009 “no’s” before he heard his first “yes.” That is the kind of story that keeps me going.
Now my philosophy is with each no, I get closer and closer to finding my partner, my wife.
How do you handle rejection? How do you keep a positive attitude after hearing no so many times? What gives you hope and confidence after being told no?
I don’t think women understand the penetrating and paralyzing fear men feel when we take that risk and ask a woman on a date. We’ll jump out of airplanes, drive cars at 200 mph, shoot guns, climb mountains and ride motorcycles but approaching a woman we have the hots for proves immensely challenging.
One theory I read states that this fear goes back to our tribal days. If a man was interested in a woman he had to prove himself by being a hunter or a leader of the tribe. Still if he was interested in a woman and she rejected him, he’d humiliated and the whole tribe would know and cast him out. Now that is not the case. You can ask out a woman out and if she says no, most folks won’t know and even more won’t care.
For a long time I’ve thought about the best way to approach a woman I don’t know, a stranger. There are so many opinions and philosophies on this. I believe in the direct approach. Right away I let a woman know I am interested in her and that I’d like to get to know her better. Some say that is too much. They argue you should let it evolve. I don’t agree with that because time is short and I don’t like to play games. I like to let a woman know where I stand.
Here is an approach I’ve developed for approaching a woman in public. It goes like this:
Me: Hey I don’t have a lot of time right now. But I’d like to get to know you better. You seem like the type of woman I’d like. Is there a way I can contact you later to set up a date?
In a few short seconds I convey my interest and what I want. Then it’s up to her to respond. Granted I haven’t used this many times. However I’m going to start.
What do you think? Ladies how do you like to be approached? Guys, how do you like to approach women?
You don’t have to spend a lot of money to date. I’ve proven that. Besides it’s so unoriginal to go to dinner. What if you ask someone to dinner and then they’re complete bores? You’re stuck for an hour. Meeting for coffee or drinks is always a better idea at first. However good first dates is another post.
Who should pay? I believe that whoever asked the person to the date should pay, doesn’t matter if it’s the man or the woman. If you asked, you pay. There is another guideline I use as well which voids that rule. Even if the the woman asks you, as the man, you pay. My guideline is that I pay for the first 10 dates. True most folks rarely even get to 10 dates. If you get to 10 dates then you’re talking 2.5 months (at one date a week) of seeing the same person. Obviously something is there.
After 10 dates I think the costs of dating can and should be split. What is wrong with the woman picking up the tab? Should the man always be expected to pay? One time a date told me, “My dad always pays when we go out so I expect my dates to.” I’m not your dad. I’m a guy who wants to get to know you.
What do you think? What’s a good guideline for picking up the tab on dates?
Of all the topics I’ve written about here over 4 years, dating is the one that sparked the most interaction. A huge frustration in my life has been dating. How do you even define what dating is? What does it look like? What works in the 21st Century? How do you deal with all the rejection?
In the coming weeks and days we’re going to explore and talk about what dating is, what has worked for you and what hasn’t.
JamSmooth.com is not turning into a dating advice/coaching site. My hope is that all of us who are looking for a partner may learn something new and share some hope. Stay tuned!
Growing up near the water in Savannah was a highlight of my youth. My grandparents owned a house in Vernonburg, Georgia. Vernonburg was on the southside of Savannah yet its own corporation separate from the city.
The house was built by Mr. Bauer, a German businessman, for whom my grandmother worked. After Mr. Bauer died he left the house to my grandparents. This place was magical. Many weekends you’d find our families there sailing, fishing, water skiing, cooking and grilling. As a kid I had no idea we were creating the memories of a lifetime.
Underneath the backyard there were rooms built for storing things like oars, life vests and other boating accessories. One of the rooms was a practice space where my uncle’s band played. My mom and aunt hand painted the room with an underwater scene. I remember the bathroom had “Neptune’s Throne” painted on the door.
My grandparents had a 40 foot sailboat that my grandfather, grandmother and 2 of their friends once piloted down to the Bahamas. I could write pages about my grandfather. He was an extraordinary man. A WWII B-17 pilot, an exacting carpenter who built a boat by hand and of course, a sailor.
Once I told him I wanted to learn to sail. He said ok and returned with a stack of about 7 books on sailing. He said to read those and to get back to him. He was joking but serious at the same time.
Another memory from childhood is this song from Christopher Cross. It holds a special place in my heart. I think about my grandfather and my childhood when I hear it. It brings back vivid memories of love and fun on the Vernon River.
February 2nd will mark 3 years since my grandfather passed away. I just want you to know how lucky I was to know a man like that. They truly don’t make them like that anymore.
Found out about this via Bob Lefsetz. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while. Jimmy Fallon nails Neil Young. It’s almost the best “Neil Young” song I’ve heard in years. It seriously sounds like Neil Young lyrics.
A few nights ago I dreamt vividly about my first love. I don’t recall too many details from the dream other than her presence and that we were talking. I guess this means she’s still in my subconscious?
I haven’t thought about her in years. I’ll be honest, I pulled what my friend BG called a “Facebook Flashback,” and looked her up. She was there. It’s like going to see a band that reunited when they shouldn’t have. She didn’t look the same, but it’s been nearly 20 years.
Back to my question, she’s still in my subconscious lurking around? Why did I dream about her? I don’t know.
What do you think? Do you ever truly get over that first love?
