I loved Kenya and I want to go back some day. Cambodia affected me in a much different way. The country reached down in my soul and stirred up a lot of questions and misgivings about America, or more specifically Atlanta. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be anymore. For so long I’ve talked about southern California. Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be? What about Cambodia or even Singapore?
What I’m experiencing is normal. It happened when I returned from Kenya last summer. You come back to America and see the wealth, complacency, entitlement and the fast pace of life. You feel out of place and wonder if those around you realize how good they have it living here. You feel like you need to make big changes in your life. After a while you slip quietly into your old routines. You live by the clock and your calendar. Then you lose it, that feeling of grace and appreciation. Nobody wants to lose it but it happens.
Our Cambodia team leader John talked a lot about purpose leading up to the trip. He said, “Once you’ve tasted purpose it’s hard to go back to meaningless living,” or something like that. I’m experiencing that too. The past few days I’ve been fixing my laptop. It works. My phone is broken but I’ll fix it today. It seems so pointless. I love movies but I can’t justify sitting on my butt for 2 hours when I could be doing something else. Reading the news reinforces the soul-sucking purpose of the media.
Don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer. I know I’m painting with wide strokes and meandering a bit. This is where I am. I’m confused. The main thing keeping me in Atlanta is the house my brother and I have. It’s for sale. I’m not leaving until it’s sold. I want to be free and clear from any responsibilities here when/if I leave. The other things keeping me here are my friends and my extraordinary church.
I am reminded of the main point in Experiencing God, which is join God where He is already working. Is God working here in Atlanta? Absolutely. That doesn’t mean that my heart isn’t yearning for something new, for a new adventure. However, have I finished what God has planned for me in Atlanta? I don’t know. I guess no since this house is not sold.
Am I being a little hard on America? Maybe. Am I coming down from a mountain top experience? Most definitely. I’ve tasted purpose though. I worked with Cambodian orphans who taught me more about love and affection in 5 days than in my entire life. I will see them again. There is no doubt I want to return to Battambang and experience the love of Christ.
7 Responses to “Wrecked”
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I never read or watch the news EVER. Sometimes it makes me feel dumb because other people like to argue politics or things of that nature. I guess I rather be clueless than get i a tizzy over that stuff. I have enough to deal with in a 4ft radius of myself each day than to worry over that stuff. I know what you are saying about gratitude. Someday I would like to live in a small town and enjoy life’s simpler pleasures. Keep your spirit alive http://www.handsonatlanta.org/
That’s great stuff man. I totally feel you in every regard. We are constantly pulled by contrasting ideas, desires and emotions. It’s hard to know God’s will, but there’s something to be said about the journey to find it. Struggle makes us strong, and Lord knows I’m pumping some major iron right now. I hope I get to go on another mission trip, and know that if I do I will struggle with these same emotions. I hope that we figure out a way to resolve them without ignoring or perverting our passion. Keep writing holmes, you’ve got a lot of stuff that needs to be heard.
Hey, welcome home. Go easy on America…I appreciate it so much right now…you have no idea. Not having your phone, your mac or your car will start to wear on you, trust me. But I am so glad you had a good time and those kids are really cute.
Jam – I like So. Ca. too, but Ga is home and California has more problems than almost any stuff. The cost of living, real estate, and job market are TERRIBLE. I think the grass is always greener on the other side. Yah, I’d say selling your house now is a bad idea; you will get basement price for it. I’d say if you really want to sell it you’d have to do some major landscaping and upates on kitchen bathroom; not sure if you have done that; haven’t been over in a while. You have a lot of friends here too. I lived in several places and I think Athens and Atlanta are the only 2 places for me; maybe Asheville.
It’s not the same analogy, but when I lived in Vinings I thought it would be great to live downtown. I lived downtown for 8 mos. and while it was cool; it just didn’t have the same luster I thought it would. The crime and panhandlers were a drag; it was a pain to get to work, and I spent too much money going out. Yah, Mableton isn’t the hip place, but I have a great commute, house, and can still get downtown in 15 minutes. Just appreciate what you have – you could rent your house and go live somewhere temporarily; make sure it’s the right choice; IT is good for that b/c I could go somewhere and contract for 6 mos – something I have considered.
@Lou It depends on what part of California you’re talking about. You are right, the house needs a lot of updating which I have not done. However my agent advised me to sell as-is and to see what happens. I’ve lived in GA my whole life and I’m ready for a change.
@Megan I think not having a car would be liberating. I wish I didn’t have to drive. Having a motorcycle or moped would be good.
@Michael Thanks!
@G News is an interest for lots of people like going to the movies is for you. Thanks for the Hands On ATL suggestion.
Well, good luck Jam w/ whatever you do. Hate to see you leave GA. I’ve been here for 22 years; good state. I really liked Virginia as a kid; great state; lots of culture, pride, and history. I wouldn’t mind going back to Richmond – great city.